Monday, June 27, 2011

Sleep, child

 (written in 2004)
            Lorraine has finally fallen asleep in her playpen.  She has her little hands with her cute pink fingernails resting on a girly doll that has recently become her favorite.  She is perfectly content, resting in sweet peace, with no knowledge of the trials to come, no fear of the future, no worries.  She is not worrying about her daddy, wondering what she will do if he doesn’t come home, or bemoaning the evils of war.  All she knows is that she has her dolly, her bed, and a mommy to take care of her.  That is enough: she is content.  Oh how I wish I had such peace!  Lord give me the faith of this sweet little child!

          With loved ones overseas, we all have fears about the future.  We know enough about war to know that our fears are not unfounded.  We know that like so many others, our loved ones could come home injured, or traumatized… or they might not come home at all.  Some of our hearts may be wounded, and we may be forced to live the rest of our lives as mothers without our children, wives without our husbands, or children without our mothers or fathers.  How can we possibly find peace while stand on the brink of possible disaster?
            Sometimes I think of all the terrible things that could happen, and I try to muster up the peace to face each possible future scenario, and the strength to deal with any problem gracefully.  I even pray for this peace, and hope that the Lord will give me such faith that I can face the rest of this deployment like Superwoman; with confidence, and not a single worry or tear.  The days when I try to do this are usually the days when I end up an emotional wreck.  I am beginning to suspect that I am going about things wrong.
            I have heard the verse: “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Ps 37:4)  I know that God is the answer to every desire of my heart, but my heart does not seem to understand that.  I finally confessed to Him that I am not content to face the rest of my life without my husband; I am not content to raise two children alone.   I kneeled by my bed and poured out my heart.  When I had no more to say I just stayed still for a few minutes.  It is good to know that God hears my prayers and loves me even when I am a mess.  I remembered that His is near to me even now, as He has always been.  It was almost like I heard His voice ask me gently, "What about tonight?  Can you be content without Josh for this one night? " I thought about how He loves me, my children, and my husband so much more than we love each other; how He is watching over and providing for me, and Lorraine, and this new baby even while we sleep, and how He is doing the same thing for my soldier a thousand miles away…  Yes, I suppose I can be content tonight. 
He said gently, “That is all I ask of you right now." 
Oh.  Well that sounds much easier than what I have been trying to do.

Dear Father,
Forgive me for trying to bear this trial with my own strength.  Teach me to have faith like a child, to trust in Your love for each day as it comes.  Today I face another day of life without my soldier.  Please help me to remember Your love for us, that I may have peace today.  You promise to be with us always, and I know you will give me the strength to bear anything that comes.  As for right now, give me the strength to get through this day.  I will be back for more tomorrow.  Into your hands I commend the future and all things.  In Jesus name, Amen

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