Tuesday, January 31, 2012

the one where I spill..

the biggest reason it is hard to share her story.

Yes, she's been seizure-free for more than two years.
In some ways that year seems like a trial that happened a very long time ago.

Theoretically, I could be that wise mother who had an awful experience, who is now strong and healthy and ready to share her hard-earned wisdom with you.

But then, she gets tired, and there are circles around her eyes, and I remember.
We could go back there.
Any second.

One little seizure could bring us right back to that place.
One little cell left behind could be forming an aggressive tumor.

She could return to weakness.
And if she does, I will return to weakness with her.

If you've read my book, then you know I mean that. And you'll know why that terrifies me.

There is no super strength. No tried and true strategy. No secret Scripture that has immunized me against suffering.

So I guess I better tell you right now--
because if she goes back there, you'll be watching--
I might disappear for awhile.
I'll probably be tempted with despair, anger, addiction, depression.

And I'll have nothing good to say to you about any of that.

Unless, of course, He helps.

I guess all I can do it bank on that.


You are safe in God Pictures, Images and Photos


Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, 

   for in you my soul takes refuge; 

in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, 

   till the storms of destruction pass by 


4 comments:

  1. If Aggie goes back there, then you will follow. That kind of thing is inevitable for us mothers. We follow our children down their roads of fear, sadness, illness. But while you are followin her, we will be here for you. Not as God will be there for you, but as friends and support. From experience, I know it just helps knowing that there is someone out there praying for me and for my loved ones, even when I cannot do it myself. Grace Upon Grace.

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  2. Thank you Jenny; I am counting on that :)

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  3. Thank you for putting into words the echoes of my heart. My daughter has been seizure free for almost two years and I awaken her out of day dreams, catch my breath when she throws her head back in a loud guffaw and simply falls down while running. It feels like a million years ago and only yesterday at the same time. You're right: His grace holds us.

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    1. That lingering fear just doesn't go away, does it? I remember when I really didn't know how fragile my children are... but once you learn it, there's just no unlearning it.

      God, hold us close.

      And also, so glad your approaching 2yrs without seizures!

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