Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Guest Post: Weak, Loved, and Healing

Meet Angie, my timid writer friend.
I hope you enjoy her first post!
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Weak, Loved, and Healing

by Angie Durnil

guest blogger WL.jpgI don’t always take the opportunity to read as much as I did before my children came along.  However, in the last year, I have read more books than in the past 5 years put together.  Why you ask?  I was searching for answers, so I made time for myself to read.

I work full time.  I am a full time mom.  Approximately 50% of the time, I am solely responsible for our household.  My husband travels, sometimes without much notice and usually is gone for a week at a time.  This leaves me in charge of the girls and all of their activities, homework, the household, the finances, the animals, the yard work, etc.  You get the picture.  Now, I am not saying that I do any of this particularly well, especially the cooking, but it does get done.  Ok, most of it anyway.

Crumbling
In this last year or so, I had to make decisions when our youngest daughter kept getting sick and the doctor’s didn’t know why.  I worked the finances between expense checks and pay checks and paid things on time.  I was doing all kinds of things around me, except for taking time for me.  I wasn’t strong in advocating for myself and taking care of myself.  In fact, I was quite weak and started to crumble.  I was only fooling myself into thinking I was strong.  I didn’t take care of my needs, my feelings, my health – mentally or physically.  My migraines were getting worse and my blood pressure kept going up.

It was a tough year on top of all the other things already described.  I found myself one day, very depressed.  Just sitting there… in this pit… this hole… this mire of pity and loneliness, sadness,  contempt, and rage,  even though there were family and friends around me offering to help if I needed it.  I found myself wondering, How did I get this far in this hole?  How did it get this bad?  What can I do to get out of this place?  I had bouts of depression before, but nothing this severe.

What to do?
I was desperate for answers.  I had convinced myself that I was praying ALL wrong; that I was saying the wrong words, imposing my will on His and He wasn’t hearing me.  I would pray at night for hours in lieu of sleep, trying to get the right words out, only to fall in a heap of tears and desperation when I was sure I was failing at that too.  

I reached out for help, finally.  I was told to think about all the things I was doing and saying.  I wasn’t praying wrong, not really, I just wasn’t trusting God with the burdens I was carrying.  I was sure that I could do it better; after all, I was strong enough to do these other things.  If I could just get him to do this, and her to do thatI knew the answers, right?  Wrong!!!  I was already praying for all of the things going on around me, but I realized, I wasn’t praying for me.  I wanted everyone else to stop what they were doing wrong and that’s what I prayed for.  Those things overwhelmed me, and I so wanted and needed to be out this pit, but I wasn’t praying for it.  I was praying for the things around me to stop; or that I could change it; or that He would just tell me what to do; because I needed to DO something!

Grace upon Grace
The very first book I read showed me the errors in my thinking.  I don’t need to DO anything, other than pray and trust that the Lord will prevail.  And He always does.  I don’t need to be strong for me.  I need to be weak.  I need to be like a beggar in my prayers.  I need to wholly trust that God will guide me, that He will put the lamp to my feet and guide my path.  I need to be patient and pray unceasingly.  And it is ok to be weak, because the Lord is strong just as he told Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  He will be my strength for me!  He hears my cries for mercy and He is near!

Weak, Loved, and Healing
 God loves me, wholly and completely.  He sent His Son to die for my sins!  He loves me even though I am weak and impatient.   I continue to pray and some things are better.  Some things haven’t changed.   My spirit is slowly lifting and I can feel the warmth of the sunshine again surround me like a warm blanket in the middle of winter.


 Although I cannot say my journey of reading and making some time for myself has cured me of my depression, it has helped me, along with prayer, medication and reaching out to others.  After all, now I know that it is ok to be WEAK in the eyes of God, because He LOVES me.

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Take a minute to encourage my dear friend with a comment, 
would you please?


Angie,
It is such a joy to see God's work in you!
May He wrap you in the warm comfort of His solid love for you.
Emily

16 comments:

  1. Beautiful to see your growing acceptance....we all have something we need to accept about ourselves...

    If it feels good for you to write, I encourage you to write, write, write, and consider blogging! It can be so therapeutic.

    I have "known" Emily for almost a month now I think, and you are blessed to have her support.

    :) Michy

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  2. WONDERFUL job Angie! I tell Emily sometimes I think she can read my mind with some of the things she writes. Are you reading my mind too? Thanks for sharing. You are not alone in the world of depression. It sucks! I also learned a lot from Grace upon Grace. It us so hard to be weak and give it all to Him. Keep writing!!!

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  3. Thank you Michy and Laura. Your words of encouragement are a blessing to me, as is Emily's support and kindnesses.
    Laura, I say the same things to Emily about reading my mind! I am so glad that she is able to put into words "our" thoughts so that we don't all seem unique in our struggles. We can bond in frienship and God's grace and grow in His love together.

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  4. Very good post Angie! It is a privilege to be your friend! Keep writing - you definitely have a gift!

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    1. Thank you Pastor for helping me along this path and your continued messages of hope. Your friendship is my priviledge as well.

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    1. Thank you Ashley! I appreciate your encouragement.

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  6. This is a great post! Go you for writing it and thanks for sharing. Have you heard Jason Gray's, "Remind me who I am"--love this song when grappling with grace!

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    1. I will admit that writing it was far easier than sharing but but I am so grateful that I did now. I am not familiar with this song but I will definitely look it up! Thank you.

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  7. It is so good to see all of you appreciating Angie and rejoicing with me in God's work in her!!!

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    1. Thank you Emily for helping me to find the courage to share this message! I couldn't have done it without you!

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  8. Wow, what an amazing story, I can so relate to this, it seems like they are my words! Being so busy taking care of everyone else, I forget about taking time for me. Very wise words Angie. I'm glad you are doing better.

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    1. Thank you Meredith. I pray that you will find that necessary time too. It's amazing how something so necessary gets so minimized in our fast paced lives.

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  9. Angie - Keep going. Don't quit. Pray what on your heart. The Bible tells us that God hears the deepest needs/desires of our hearts. That doesn't mean you have to speak it eloquently. Just put it out there. He knows. Prayers for you. - Jen

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    1. Thank you Jen! It took me a while to catch on to that, but now I know and practice it daily.

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