Friday, June 8, 2012

I Opened my Heart, and Then I Winced: On disconnecting from technology, beings still, fear, and love

There’s something about the sun when it is warm, but not too warm, that stills my body. A blanket on the grass, and a gentle breeze, and suddenly I have forgotten all the work undone.

The warm sun quiets my busyness.
The breeze blows away my constant restless doing of things.
The summer air soothes me, teaches me to just BE.
I lean back in the arms of God’s creation, and I rest.

Not long after I wrote that last post on setting aside technology, I tried it.

I walked away from the computer, and I left my phone behind. I grabbed an old sheet, and I walked with the children down to the pond. I had no agenda. We were not going to get anything done. No weeding, no teaching, no deliberate exercising.

I spread out the blanket, and I sat.

I sat,
with open hands and open eyes and an open lap.

The children buzzed around, playing with sticks, showing me this and that. I listened to every word, I responded with enthusiasm and eye contact. When they wanted to sit by me, I pulled them closer with welcoming hands. Some of them did sit, for a moment or two, soaking up their available mommy and her affection. One boy laid his head on me until he noticed a stick that needed to be thrown into the water. He ran off.

A few minutes later, his sister took his spot.

Aggie sang quietly, and laid her head on my lap. She’s one of the big kids, so she does not get my lap to herself very often. I stroked her hair because I know she loves it when I do that.  

Do you see it? Do you notice the scar on her head right there?
I wear a matching scar on my heart.

I sat there in the warm sun, far away from my jobs and my busyness, and my fingers played in her hair. I could “see” the empty spot in her brain where the tumor used to be. My heart winced, reminded of the great risk that comes with loving this child, every child. 

My heart winced and drew back, afraid of pain and loss. 
But the sun and the breeze and the grace of God soothed even my heart, even this heart with this scar. 

A tight heart braced for loss and for pain is a closed heart.  
Open hearts receive and love. And open hearts get hurt.

Father, How could I ever love another if I did not know Your great love for me?  Conquer the fear in me, and teach me to stay open to love, despite the risk.  
In the name of Jesus, who poured out his blood and His heart for me,

How about you?
Do you feel the temptation to keep your heart closed for fear of pain and loss?
Do you keep yourself busy and distracted with technology or something else to avoid this whole issue?

Have you read our story yet?
Weak and Loved: A Mother-Daughter Love Story by Emily Cook
 Now available on $9.99 
kindle $4.99 
epub $4.99 
Aggie had a brain tumor that disrupted her young life; her mother’s sin and selfishness disrupted her best attempts to care for her. Written from the perspective of a mother who suffers with her child, Weak and Loved allows readers to experience the struggles of faith and encouragement of God. Readers will enter the difficult, earthy, and sometimes humorous world of a sick child, and be pleased to find the beauty of God's love in Christ even there.


  1. incredible post..I will do anything to avoid that hurt feeling strategy is to "shut my mouth"...sounds terrible...but I can become silent, completely silent, in terms of avoiding hurt...really not a good strategy...but i'm trying....:) m

  2. I just find myself distracted. Period. Thanks for the reminder!

  3. Leaving the cell phone behind. That has to be my biggest weakness. I say I am gonna go outside and play with my son, then I bring along the cell phone. I'm gonna try leaving it inside :)

    Mary Beth

  4. The culture of our world and the culture of God are so different. Purposefully choosing God's culture of quiet and rest brings fulfillment and peace of mind. I love how it also values relationship over doing.
    No doubt you're going to enjoy a summer of unplugged times.
    What a good thing.

  5. Incredible post! And so full of emotion! I felt myself being calmed and then feeling your pain. Thanks for the reminder to unplug and for linking up! :)

  6. This is absolutely beautiful. AA tight heart braced for loss and for pain is a closed heart.
    Open hearts receive and love. And open hearts get hurt." What a powerful reminder. Thank you.
    Love and God Bless,

  7. This post is very nice and encouraging you to step away sometimes and allow yourself to feel. I did step away from my computer this weekend and spent time with the kids. It was good fun. You can check out the post at
    Have a great day.

  8. Aggie is very blessed to have a momma who takes the time to be unplugged and savor the moments of motherhood. God bless you and your family and thank you for sharing with us at NOBH.


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