Friday, October 5, 2012

When we rest in Him even in the midst of danger.

A snippet from My Gilead- a memory keeping file for my children.

Eldon, what a sweet moment we shared tonight.  We laid on the dock at sunset watching the birds.  I sighed, “This is nice,” and you echoed, “Niiiiice.”  You sucked your fingers and we pointed out the birds.  You wore your little Spiderman pj pants and no shirt, and cuddled up to me in the cool of the evening.  You tried to dangle your feet off the dock but couldn't reach, so you almost fell in, and we both laughed.  And you looked at me with your sweet smile and said “Hey mama! Love you!” and gave me a kiss.    

What a great way to end the day.

How many are your thoughts towards me, O Lord?  If I could number them, they would be more than the sands….  And many are my thoughts towards you, children.  

And to think, God’s thoughts are are more, better, purer.  Towards you, towards me.  It is a comfort.

You children are so young, you are given so many things to delight in with innocence.  You do not see the shadows I see, the dangers lurking.  That's OK.  It is my job to notice the dangers and protect you when I can.  Yet, I miss that innocence.  I had it too, as a child, before I understood that people drown in lakes and the bodies of children can be broken.  I never used to fear, but now I fear.  

Yet fear leads me to cling to God (where else can we go?), and I have prayed a million prayers for your safety.  The danger is ever-present, but God will remove all of that someday.  

How pleasant it will be when he makes all things new.  Perhaps He will allow us to swim and play together, and there will be no shadow of death to taunt us.  I’m not sure what I will do, how I will act, if I can run along a dock and not guard the edges, not brace for jumping and saving one of your precious bodies.  It is good, that God will me making me new too.  I look forward to the version of myself without anxiety.  I hope you can recognize her.


  1. Pretty cool Blog – I’ll be passing it on

  2. I always wonder if other mamas have these fears. I don't remember having the terrible awful thoughts I do now before I had babies but they're there every time one of them leaves the house, every time we all get in our van, at carnivals, or at playgrounds, when they laugh with food in their mouths, I fear for them and every terrible thing that could happen to them, even if it's just falling down and skinning a knee. I try to hide it from everyone of course, but it's there. Yuk. Sin destroys everything. Thanks for the reminder that it won't always be this way!

    1. Oh no, you are definitely not the only one. Most of us just don't like to talk about this.

      Part of the risk that comes with loving in this place, I guess.

      I do hope it's just a nagging annoyance for you,
      but if it is paralyzing or near so...
      read this post

      and see your dr. :)

  3. Thankfully they are mostly just those annoying thoughts that I just wish would stay away, nothing debilitating though. Prayer and a "fun loving" husband really help in those moments that are worse than others!


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