“Our soul fluctuates between thoughts and feelings we don’t like and thoughts and feelings we do like, and we don’t like those fluctuations… we try to stop that swing, because our soul’s fluctuations are unpleasant to us… We think that Christ maturity is getting that swing under control.” Dan Stone, as quoted in Grace for the Good Girl, p. 57
The swing, of my emotions, and the circumstances of my life, makes me nauseated and unsettles me.
I don’t like it, so I try to stop it.
I try to stop the swing by taking my soma, be it food or sleep or the distractions of technology.
And (sin upon sin) I even ask God to stop it for me.
I want to use Jesus like soma.
“Grant me peace,” I say, when I really mean, “free me from having to care about something that makes me unhappy.”
“Help me trust you,” I say, when I really mean, “let me stop aching, stop worrying, stop caring about this suffering person, because it hurts too much.”
Jesus, be my soma. Numb my heart for me.
But… what if those difficult emotions are symptoms of the love of Christ in us?
Jesus, who gave up the perfection of heaven to be God with us, in this place of suffering; Jesus, who has compassion, who wept, who sweat drops of blood; Jesus, whose body and blood are broken and poured out for you and for me.
Jesus, who has seen our lack of love, and yet (grace upon grace) still welcomes and pursues His children with their hard hearts.
Jesus, whose love for us is seen best on the cross.
His love fills me, and it unsettles me.
And I don’t want him to let me numb it away, not if it is His love in me, growing me, moving me to be His hands and feet to love others in this broken place.
Jesus, fill me with your love.