What do I want for Christmas? My mother keeps asking me. I’d like to tell her something good, something that would really make my everyday life easier. But so far, I have not found any of these items on Amazon. But, still, a girl can dream...
A nagging parrot
Trained to say, at appropriate times of day, “Did you brush your teeth? Make the bed? Zip your zippers? Practice the piano? What’s 3 x 5? Do you have any homework?)
A BS Indicator light
A tiny lie-detector to be worn by the children. A red light flashes when child is faking a tummy ache, an injury, innocence, etc. If BS does not dissapate after 5 minutes, the BS alarm wails until child assumes humble position in designated time-out location.
An encouraging parrot
“Yes, I see your picture, mmm hmmm, good job honey, that’s a great trick on the monkey bars…” Oh, and it should be able to spell, too.
Self explanatory. I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be allowed have this because I would overuse it.
A cone of silence
For big mommy fits, or, just for… silence. Ahhhhhhh…
A Pause Button for Life
So I can dwell in those sweet lovey blankie snuggle sigh blessedly blessed moments and so that I can control a runaway temper. Maybe I could take a quick run on the treadmill while the children are “paused” instead of yelling at them. Or I could go sit by the pond. Or have a beer. Or put my feet up. Shoot, I’d overuse this one too, obviously.
Lifeline- phone a friend
I can phone a friend now, I know, but this magical lifeline would allow me to phone a friend AND keep the kids quiet and out of trouble for the duration of the phone call.
A personal force field
For those days when I just need a little space. I wouldn’t wear the force field every day, I promise. And the outside of it doesn’t HAVE to shock intruders. It just has to keep them out of my personal space, by any means necessary.
A drain in the middle of my dining room floor
(And a high-powered hose.) After dinner clean up made simple.
Portable, adjustable, invisible fence for children
Small range at the grocery store, then a larger range of play at the park… All the safety without the trouble of a “leash.”
Wireless turn-taking system
Because I just can’t keep track of it all.
Library books with voices
Trained so that, two days before they are due, they start hollering reminders at me from under beds, behind dressers, and in backpacks. (Important: must have an “off” switch.)
Magnetic Shoe Locating system
When mom turns the switch “on,” each child’s feet and shoes are paired perfectly, even if the shoes were downstairs under the couch. (Be sure doors are open before you turn the switch “on!” Some parents have reported finding their child stuck to a door with his shoe on the other side!)
Air hooks and air shelves
Keep things out of their reach, anytime, anywhere.
An air modification tool, designed to teach children to take long, slow, calm breaths and use quiet, calm words. Those who do not adapt sneeze and/or hiccup uncontrollably until they do.
A backup team
When it’s really out of control- a child throwing up, another on my leg, another running towards the road, another with hurt feelings, another laughing at everybody, and the dog attacking the UPS man— push a button, and certified childcare providers climb in the windows and repel from the celiling.
Which of these would you choose?
Anything to add to my list?